Have you ever tried to write out a full, fiery response to someone’s controversial post that your values and beliefs have you opposed to, and just not ever post it?
This practice has helped me recently with my own emotional processing by giving me time, as well as perspective, to figure out what it is that I really want to say so as not to be yet another person on the internet shouting inflammatory, combative arguments into the aether where it will likely only heighten the emotional response of person on the receiving end.
I want to cut through the words and really gain perspective into the heart of what people are trying to say right now, the spirit of the text, if you will. More times than not, the driving force of their message is something that I can also get behind.
I try to ask myself these questions:
What is this persons true purpose for sharing this?
How can I get clear on their purpose without shaming them?
How can I communicate in a way that appeals to our shared morality?
Please, consider the implications of this.
When we shame one another for our beliefs and values, we are effectively shaming one another’s identities. And as soon as someone feels invalidated in that way, they go offline (figuratively, clearly not literally).
It tucks the shadow deeper into the collective unconscious and further radicalizes people. Which, as we can see, eventually leads to the manifestation of extremely toxic behaviors.
We know that people do not just become radicalized overnight. It starts as a seed somewhere, usually in childhood, and eventually grows so big that it becomes the reality of their identity.
Shouting at them, beating them up, trying to take them down a notch, really does nothing progressive for your movement (whatever your movement might be). If anything, it does the exact opposite.
The only good that comes from this is our own sense of satisfaction that comes from using another person as an emotional punching bag with the illusion that we are "helping", and then feeling superior for having done it. It is a strange phenomenon that a lot of us have found pleasure in at some point, myself included.
Another thing to consider:
We can not go into a conversation with the attachment of changing someone’s identity.
Attachment to outcome echoes the disbelief that it is even possible to begin with. It is a basic rule of practical magic, and I have observed this for myself on countless occasions.
I believe that having a progressive conversation with someone you disagree with is not about trying to sway them to your side, it’s about opening up dialogue so you can understand the driving force behind their beliefs, and find some common ground to stand on.
It’s about keeping a level head, predicting their thought processes, and being prepared to gently offer counter-arguments to their beliefs with no attachment to the outcome of change.
Even if the only thing you walk away with is some semblance of commonality, you have prevented that person from further radicalizing and I think that is definitely something worth celebrating in this social climate.
We can uphold strong boundaries and stand by our truths without shaming other people for theirs. It’s much easier said than done of course because these are beliefs and values that we are talking about. But it is possible.
I suggest we start with the people we are closest to, and allow it to unfold organically.
Take the time and the emotional labor to be patient, try to speak their language. Understanding the psychological mechanisms at play can help tremendously with this.
I believe that it is our responsibility to clean up our own act, and that starts with basic human empathy.
Important to note - I’d never put this responsibility on the shoulders of people who are actually oppressed, like BIPOC for instance, unless they choose to take it on themselves. That could be an entirely separate post in and of itself, but it needed to be said.
TLDR: Choose your battles. Refrain from shaming/belittling people, it only leads to further radicalization. Don’t go into a conversation with the intention of changing someone. Try to understand the driving force behind their beliefs/values. Find commonality in shared morality.
Hope that someone finds this useful, please feel free to add to this discussion.
xo